I was overwhelmed into silence....
My newly found voice rested anew, as these events washed over me in
succession, cautioning me to say nothing if I had nothing new or better
to add to the din.
Well it is three weeks into
2015, I am 56 now, still making a living, still raising a son with
exceptional needs, still trying to find meaning in my life...and
rediscover the voice I thought I once had, but lost....
Resolutions
are nothing new to me, and broken resolutions even more familiar. But
the message of Christmas rings true, the message of the Pope rings
loud.... One must dream, one must hope, one must look heavenward for
inspiration, for solution, even for absolution.
My
first resolution, my first venture into an aging future, is to drive
again. The last time I drove was 2001, 13 years ago. My total hiatus
from maneuvering and managing an automobile was 20 years, give or take 1
and a half years in North America, when circumstances forced me to take
the wheel again, even under medication and duress. When my son was
born, the hell driver and speed demon that I once was, was tamed, and I
lost my nerve to fight with other drivers on the road. My partner at
that time thought it best that I be chauffeured, and I was readily
compliant and complacent.
Before that time, I
feared nothing, raced, drifted, rallied, conquered obstacle courses,
culminating in running at 160 kph and then pulling the handbrake to spin
360 degrees. What a feeling! What an idiot!
But
back to today. As of today, I have taken the wheel for three days in a
row... Been subject of countless curses I thankfully never heard about
my being a woman driver. Been object of horns blasting as I carefully,
cautiously, painstakingly negotiated a turn, a reverse, a U-turn, a
sashay into a parking space. Been victim of many a hump that I didn't
see was there.... Been responsible for a scratch or two of paint on a
pillar in the parking building....
There were
times when I drove when it all felt so familiar. Automatic even. Click
on the left or right turn signal. Gently manage the accelerator and the
brake, especially over one of gazillions of humps in the metropolis.
Look in the rear view mirror...look at the side mirror...any oncoming
cars, can I make it?
There were times when I
thought I was as amnesiac as Nicole Kidman in the movie Before I
Sleep...the roads did not look familiar to me...try as I might, I saw
nothing recognizable. What was happening? It could not have been so long
ago that I drove these streets... Oh my! It's been over a decade. A
hundred thousand cars less ago, ten million commuting people less ago,
thousands of colorum illegal public utility vehicles plying the roads
less ago.
But continue to drive I will,
notwithstanding the scratch, notwithstanding the public bellyaching I
imagine is directed at my comportment on the road. There is a sense of
empowerment... A feeling that I am in some form of control over my life
and my destiny, something so important to a veteran (read "mature" )
triple A personality like myself... There is a sense of rhythm, a
coordination of muscle and mind, exercising parts long left untouched,
long left in hibernation, and it is a glorious feeling, however
momentary.
Scary. New at it, I was cautious
till the last leg. Then I felt comfortable...and then careless, and the
scratch occurred, much to my shame and chagrin...but totally necessary
for my re-education in driving and lesson in humility. Stay ever
vigilant, never take anything for granted. Driving was a moment TO
moment and moment BY moment experience of discipline, and mindfulness,
almost zen like in its demand for singular focus....
My
trusty chauffeur tells me all I need is to drive at least twice a week
and I will get my driving smarts back again. What does he know? I know I
need to go back full time, scratches and all, curses and all, stalls
and all, and learn the driving ropes, kilometer by kilometer, hump by
hump, traffic light by traffic light...lost and found though I may be,
honk screech and bump though I may do....
Surely
the driving prowess of my youth could not have been totally erased or
lost? But in all honesty, it was probably more hard headed impetuosity
and recklessness then, than prowess. I was younger then. Fearless
then. Feckless too.
As I enter my twilight
years, I find myself relearning how to do almost anything all over
again. Driving is just one of them.... Living anew as a happy fifty
something is the bigger challenge.
Mwah!!!!
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